Meet the Tate Family
*There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.
*Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether they need it or not.
*Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
*She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.
*Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening.
*And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
*When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
*Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new.
*Thank goodness the Tate family also has Facili Tate, Cogi Tate and Medi Tate. They are willing to pray, think, and plan.
They get everyone pulling together.
Which member of the Tate family are you?
PASTOR SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
The Pastoral Search Committee.
HOW THE MEDIA WILL COVER THE APOCALYPSE
Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS.
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE.
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE.
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER.
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING.
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR.
Readers Digest: 'BYE.
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture, download software patch RAPT777.EXE.
Dear Mr Little
Thank you for your letter concerning our product, sky. Your concern is refreshing. Of all the customers using our product, few if any have ever pointed out this apparent problem, falling.
You are right of course. Falling is what sky does. Pieces of our product are designed to fall. Sometimes they are quite spectacular. Messers Shumaker and Levy wrote a similar letter recently.
Perhaps a larger perspective is needed here. From My point of view, I am thankful that our product, sky, falling on our customer, Mr Little, had no excessive terminal velocity. This also was as designed. Our Designer is quite clever, don't you think?
Over the history of our product, sky, perhaps you have used our other fine products. Our Designer not only produced a remarkable suite of products, He actually is involved in the day to day management. Sadly, His competitor is involved in a grueling propaganda campaign. So don't believe everything you hear, and consider the Source.
Again, thank you for your moxy.
© 1977 Pat McDonald. please copy freely